Incidents and accidents

I’d like to be well again, please. TMI follows.

June 20th, 2012

Physically, this had been the worst two weeks ever. First I smashed my finger in the car door and had the worst pain in my life ever that night. Two days later, I worked myself up into a panic about draining it but drained it anyway (thank you friends!). Two days after that, I got a bit of a tummy/lowerGI bug and wasn’t feeling well, so I was drinking a lot of water instead of the lot of Diet Coke I normally have, so that put me into caffeine withdrawal. I just didn’t have any caffeine for about a week. I think I’ve now over the worst of it, but it was something horrific. Headaches, nausea, diarrhea, but the worst part was the anxiety. The whole world was falling apart around me and it was terrifying! I was scared of driving because it might make me sick, scared of the wedding, scared of being married, scared of being nauseated, scared of maybe being pregnant (which there was no way at all, but I was still scared of it anyway), scared of being scared for the rest of my life. It was totally illogical pure fear. That cold feeling you get when something startles you… I got it for hours over nothing, everything. Your brain just runs tiny little circles… “I’m nauseous again. Who is sick all the time? Pregnant people are sick all the time! I must be pregnant! OMG, I can’t be pregnant. I don’t need a baby. I can’t be sick for 10 months. Why am I sick all the time? Maybe I’m nervous about the wedding? What if he’s not the right guy for me? What if we get a divorce later? What is I can’t go through with the wedding? What if I’m pregnant and can’t fit in my dress? OMG, I just can’t be pregnant, pregnant people are sick all the time. I’m sick all the time, what if I’m pregnant???” I mean, full on out shaking, sobbing FEAR. I have never EVER felt like that in my whole life. It was something I’d not wish on my worst enemy.

It’s been two days of finger pain, two days of less finger pain, two days of GI bug with nausea and poops, then another 5 days of nausea, poops and fear. Yesterday and today marked a bit of a turn back to normal, but I still haven’t been able to totter out of bed for longer than 30 minutes. I want my life back!

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