You may know Interloper’s time was limited, but in case you didn’t.. We’ve had her for just two years, she’s a fully feral cat who decided we were okay people and invited herself in. She wasn’t acting like herself so we took her to the vet.. turns out she has FeLV and it was doing it’s thing and turning into lymphoma. She was very likely born with it. There was nothing to do but take her home and spoil the crap out of her. I knew we’d be lucky to keep her until Christmas, even luckier if she’d make it to New Year’s. We did get lucky once, but not twice.

So she’d been declining almost hour by hour Friday and sometime in the night she used the last of her strength to haul herself out of bed and into a hidden corner. When I found her, she just looked through me, and I knew it was time. We had a vet out Saturday afternoon to help her go. We held her as she went quietly. I took a paw print that I will have made into an etched necklace.

Had the worst night of sleep ever last night.. just couldn’t really rest. I cried a little this morning after waking up again. Sometimes it’s normal life and I feel like she’ll walk in the door and chirp at us like normal, and she can’t be gone. Other times, all I can see is her little face after her heart stopped, and it’s really too real. I’m due to visit our normal vet with her tomorrow for some special antibiotics he ordered for her.. he doesn’t know yet that she’s gone. Since he’s diabetic and last time I took in cookies, this time I’m taking him meatloaf. I barely got through the grocery store with the ingredients with breaking down. I feel utterly guilty for the little moments of happiness or laughter today.. like it’s a betrayal of her memory that I could be anything but utterly wrecked.

And I KNOW very much that we couldn’t have done anything differently, but I feel like we let her down somehow. We did a good job keeping her for as long as we did (FeLV cats usually live just 2.5-3 years) but a four year life just stinks. I know it’s not our fault, but we couldn’t fix her and that just kills me. We were her protector, and we couldn’t protect her from the thing that took her.

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