A conversation today, talking about grammar.
John: Hey baby, you have a great butt! *pinch*
Me: Is tha an observation or a punctuation?
John: I could punctuate you later.. *wink*
Me: *cramps* Er.. not today, you can’t.
John: Yeah, if I tried to punctuate you, I’d get punctured.
Me: Is that an exclamation mark in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
Driving to the game last night;
Me: Honey, I love you. (sip of Diet Coke)
John: I love you too honey.
Me: (sip of Diet Coke)
John: You okay?
Me: Yeah, just stressed. (sip of Diet Coke)
John: Well, I think you’re beautiful, and competent and __
Me: *BUUUURRRRRPPP*
John: ___ as graceful as a water buffalo…
I love my man. He makes me smile when I want to cry.
John: I just had a bad thought.
Me: Huh?
John: You know that song “I’m too sexy?” from the 80’s?
Me: Yeah…?
John: Replace ‘catwalk’ with ‘cat box’.
Me: ….
John: ::singing:: I’m too sexy for my shirt…
Me: ::singing:: I do my little turn in the catbox.
John: Yeah, I shake my little tush in the catbox!
Me: Bwah hah hah.
John: Well, if you’re the cat you sometimes drag it over the carpet too.
Me: I drag little tush on the carpet…
John: Yeah on the CARPET, I drag my little tush on the carpet!!
John and I were talking about a game he’s playing:
John: Yeah, but it’s easy because it’s a plus umpty-ump sword.
Me: Plus umpty-ump?
John: +5 to hit, automatically hasted, vampiric touch, with 5 acid damage.
Me: That sounds like umpty-ump to me. I want one for myself. Maybe a plus umpty-ump camera. Can I get some plus umpty-ump mac and cheese?
John: I dunno, that would be kinda nasty Mac and Cheese.
Me: Nasty?
John: It’d like, leap out of your mouth and kick six ninjas in the face.
Heather: (looking through the candy aisle at the store) Damn… no white chocolate.
John: I didn’t see any either.
Heather: 60% dark, 75% dark, 80% dark. Dark chocolate sure is popular these days.
John: Yeah… Dark chocolate is the new color of pants.
Five minutes ago:
Heather: So, I could get an $800 website for $500 right now.
John: Is that a hint, or is it supposed to make me run away?
Heather: Neigher, I was just laughing at it. If I had $800 I sure wouldn;t be spending it on a website.
John: No? What then?
Heather: A backup camera, duh. ::pause:: Wait, DO we have $800??
John: Uh, no….
Heather: I could… repay you in… blowjobs!
John: Nowa___ Wait, what? ::pause:: That would be a LOT of blowjobs.
Heather Not that many. How much is a blowjob anyway?
John: I could probably get one in Atlanta for about $30.
Heather: ::grabs calculator:: So.. the $2750 camera I want would be 91 blowjobs.
John: Yeeeess___ wait, no! We don’t have the cash!
Heather: ::pause for a few minutes:: How about 670?
John: :: eyes light up:: Blowjobs?
Heather: No, dollars, silly. I could get the other one I like for $670. That’s 23 blowjobs.
John: ::gritting teeth:: Don’t. Have. The. Cash!
Me: Hey honey, it’s ‘Talk Like a Pirate Day!’
John: What? Where?
Me: Everywhere! It’s International Talk like a Pirate Day.
John: Yarrr!
A bit of an actual conversation between John and I last night at bedtime.
Me: “How is it that the sheet ends up over there andthe whole blanket ends up over here?”
John: “I think I kick them off in the night.”
Me: “Yeah, but why not both? No, they part ways and migrate. It’s like you.”
John: “I part ways and migrate?”
Me: “Well, your hair does. It parts ways with your shoulders and migrates to your butt.”
John: “It does not!”
Me: “No, it’s more like.. infestation. Contamination?”
John: ::pause:: “Heroic Journey.”
It’s also John and I’s 6 year anniversary today (or somewhere near today, since neither of us can remember what the actual day was). Since John will be at practice this evening, we’ll have lunch out and then on Sunday we’ll go to the flea market for some photo props and old video games. Happy 6 years, honey. Happy many more.
John has issues with English. Every once in a while (read: at least once a day), he begins to say something and can’t remember the word for what he’s talking about. When he can’t come up with the word withina few seconds, him mind usually subsitutes a string of a few words to describe the object he means. These words usually have nothing or little to do with what he’s actually talking about, but they come out of his mouth anyway. This means I have a good time laughing at him and trying to figure out what the hell he’s talking about.
The first time he did this we were standing in a grocery store, looking for lunch.
John: Hey, we should also get some… uh…
Me: Uh..? Chips? Drinks? A ham?
John: Uh… ::here he makes drinking motions with his hands::
Me: Soda. Water. Monkeys..
John: Liquid. Drink. Thing. Tasty.
Me: ::falls on floor laughing::
Turns out he was actually talking about Capri Sun drink pouches!
Today, we had another bout of English problems.
John: I was thinking we should do….
Me: ::used to this now, and waiting patiently::
John: Uh…
Me: Does it have to do with food?
John: Yes! For lunch. We should make…
Me: I just had some hot dogs, but we could do whatever it is for dinner?
John: Yeah.. uh…
Me: This is taking longer than normal.
John: MEEFWICH! Wait, no…
Me: The hell is a meefwich??
John: Steak-um!
Yes, I love him, Yes, he’s crazy.
Heather: “Hey honey, want to go hang-gliding in Tucson while we’re out there?”
John: “I realise that hang-gliding is a long time dream of yours, but there’s no fucking way you’re getting me in the air with nothing but a kite to hold my ass up.”
